I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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