We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
