haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
