Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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