OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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