Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
