just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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