I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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