The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
People in love make me want to vomit
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
