So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
