At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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