i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
