both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
