i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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