You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
