ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
