I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
whose parrot is this?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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