The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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