Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
