Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Randomize
