We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
