Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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