so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
