I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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