yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
