I'm so fucking centered right now
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
