why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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