it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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