I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
