guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
