You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
