Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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