Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
