I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
