My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
