jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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