I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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