if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Randomize
