some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Floor bacon is actually really good
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
