Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
