Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
