Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
