atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
