Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
