my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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