don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
