the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
