"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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