my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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