sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
