nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just had sex on a roof
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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