I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
